I am not a Man right now. I used to be a man. I know what it’s like to be a man.

A man provides strength to those who depend on him. His wife holds onto his arm for stability; his daughter, he holds in his arms, carrying her to safety. His son watches him – this is the most frightening, because this is where the cycle is maintained. This cycle has caused the deaths of billions, due to eons of false men, killers, rapists, who will their shit onto their sons, and onto the world.To be dependable, the man must be selfless – almost completely selfless.

And he must be disciplined.

Now, at this very point in my life, I am not dependable. I am selfish. I was truly selfless before, most of all when I was married. And I was happy. Happier than anyone around me, in my discipline, my dependability, my selflessness. The obedience of the son of man is true freedom, true happiness.

Now, I allow myself to fail – to fail myself and to fail others. Not all the time, but sometimes. But, to be dependable, to provide strength to others, a may may never fail. There are those, the new age, who would say this kind of thinking is unrealistic. Don’t rely on them.

I realize that I know these things, but I can not do them. The only reason I can not do them, is that I will not do them. I have lost the inner sense of the strict adherence to discipline, to the aesthetic of discipline, that I was (apparently) born with. There was an inner law. A discipleship. My discipleship.

So now, I am a good guy. Just not a good man. A good man is hard to find. Good guys are everywhere, wearing costumes, wearing capes. It seems to be good enough.