Author Archives

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making room for that person inside myself

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov’d — I lov’d alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —

Edgar Allan Poe

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you see, there IS such a thing as mojo

I mean, the words are just a means to skirt the real issue: love, infatuation, obsession, devotion, or, mo jo! the least divisible common denominator among all the words, all these lengthy, wordy attempts to describe the same thing is that the the thing they will describe is a thing beyond our control.  this feeling – again, “feeling” is only the tangible part of this thing – you feel something that you did not instigate.  right, you may have instigated the relationship or the sex, but that does not make you the outcome’s owner. because when you least expect it, there is this thing looking right back at you.  and it is substantial, it is a part of you, but you sense the its power does not emanate from you, or her, or him, alone. not an elephant, but a snow leopard in the room.

maybe we’re not talking  about the same thing. I’m talking about the thing that puts healthy people into the emotional state of suicide contemplation.  know that one? wherein a breaking occurs, as part of a break up.  for some others, it’s this bizarre glowing light – the circumference of a small pot of gold – that you see glowing on the nightstand in paintings of people  accompanying their loved ones along the final stretch of life, into death.  they sit there, hold the hand of the person who charges that glowing light, and they imagine – or, let’s say, it enters their minds – imagine for a brief moment the possible sensation they might have when the light goes out of that hand they are holding.  and when that sensation flashes over them, they buck forward, only slightly, from this immense wrenching feeling in their core. this is what I am referring to when I talk about the magic core of love, as being something mystical, that lives with us, and in us.

and when this Tollhaus substance is passed, through mouths, from one to the other, it becomes stronger, and more independent. in this state, when you feel it, it is unimaginable to you that such a thick rope could ever be separated. when she tugs on this rope, you feel it attaching rom a very deep place in your abdomen.

and then, a wind comes along – a force that might not cause paper to move – and the strands fray and debraid. and off you go, with a single lo-fi photograph in your hand. and you show it to people. but it angers you that they don’t feel the power of that photo, as you do.  anyway, fine with me if it’s just me and my photo. a perfect balance.

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Temple Grandin – A Girl I Could Understand

Temple Grandin – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

She has been a model for me.  I don’t have autism.  If anything, many of my traits are the exact opposite of hers.

She can be touched; I can’t live without touch (okay, I DID have a little problem with touching as a kid; will give this one a 90%).

She listens, doesn’t speak; I blow that one, way!
She can’t handle much sensory information; my board is wired for deep bass!

 

But the main thing is – we are both social freaks!  We are not like the rest, even though at first it makes ’em jealous!  oh how silly!  You bitches do NOT want to be real freaks!

And then, maintaining her full freakhood, she makes it bit time!  She does it her way, and her way is weird.  But due to her management of her freakiness and handling of the “cattle” around her, she showed them all her incredible value.

And so it is with me:  I show up at high-power corporate meetings with facial tattoos and crazy hair.  And worse, I say crazy shit!  But they respect me for what I say and do.


Where we both failed was in love.  Temple Grandin gets off the hook by attributing here completely empty personal life to her autism.  I can’t play that card. I just eat people alive.  I go deep, only. No time to eff around.  Just eff.

Try watching Beautiful Minds: A Voyage into the Brain (German movie, 2006).  It’s better than reading Oliver Sacks (tired of him), or watching the pop movies.

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Love is more than that

Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
Iris Murdoch
British novelist (1919 – 1999)
It’s a good start.  But if you swallow that pill and think you’re good, it’s like swallowing one aspirin for you migraine – or two, or three.  But not enough.
Everything begins with a realization.  We know that.  It’s what you then do with that knowledge.  Granted, most people don’t even get to the starting point.  Further, it’s misdleading in that you might think too little of the fullness of the realization – you might say to me, “Kam, I fucking know that something other than myself is real.  Thanks!”  So, that’s not it.
Knowing should be feeling, and feeling in such  a way that it influences your behavior, almost, one could say, “subconsciously” (oooh! some kinda voodoo!).  No.  Not voodoo.  you have to change your behavior.  Otherwise, your realizations are diary entries, and, the diary is for YOUR therapy, not for this newly discovered  something other than oneself.
Now, you have to love that something other than oneself.  And that’s the part the quote doesn’t cover. Love is
  1. ongoing.  sustained. this does not require work, as people believe: it requires something much more mystical.  Refer to <insert hundreds of Hindu texts, Socrates, Jesus>.
  2. reciprocal. they have to love you back. (and sustain that). this is a deal-breaker. if one drops the ball, the other is just out.

So, where this all falls down is, you, the lover, simply have to have a relatively developed personality – in many other areas!  One revelation is not enough!  You, the lover, need to do all kinds of other personal work on a daily basis: self-improvement, examination of personal integrity – maybe you have managed to care for a pet!  Seriously!  Maria Montessori had as a basic principal, the care a nurturing of small animals (rabbits), because …

“The child who has felt a strong love for his surroundings and for all living creatures, who has discovered joy and enthusiasm in work, gives us reason to hope that humanity can develop in a new direction.” (Education and Peace, Maria Montessori, page 58).

 

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Dr. Maria Montessori’s Biology Curriculum – The Value of Caring For Earth and Its Creatures While Protecting the Planet with the Biology Lessons of Dr. Maria Montessori

Montessori states, “The child who has felt a strong love for his surroundings and for all living creatures, who has discovered joy and enthusiasm in work, gives us reason to hope that humanity can develop in a new direction.” (Education and Peace, Maria Montessori, page 58).

via Dr. Maria Montessori’s Biology Curriculum – The Value of Caring For Earth and Its Creatures While Protecting the Planet with the Biology Lessons of Dr. Maria Montessori.

via Dr. Maria Montessori’s Biology Curriculum – The Value of Caring For Earth and Its Creatures While Protecting the Planet with the Biology Lessons of Dr. Maria Montessori.

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They struggle in the Throes of Death, the Little Ones

reposing this one – it’s appropriate now.  it’s not about killing children.  it’s about killing true love, which is the same to me as killing children

 

They struggle in the throes of death, the little ones.

The little ones we kill.

They thrash through the night – wild monologues escape their frothy lips

or sometimes we engage, and they become dialogues.

Some passages of lucidity. Sometimes they reach some truth within themselves.

Had they only found it some other time – not now, in the early hours of the dawn of their own demise

–Because life and its lessons my not be relevant to death

– as now, here, truth  gives their voice such a timbre of solitude, amidst the surrounding silence.

They call and plead. That is painful for me. It is. I am not completely heartless,

though a true killer of love.

Some times they recognize me, their euthanist, in the hollow chambers that darkness creates, darker, I sit, silhouette,

And shout their scorn at me

but I am made of paper, it seems.

The pulse subsides with the sunrise – down to a trickle, and single text: “I love you.”

And then all is quiet again.

Just like it was.

Just the way we like it.

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The meaning of a quote from Wuthering Heights?

“If All Else Perished, and He Remained, I Should Still Continue to be; and If All Else Remained, and He Were Annihilated, the Universe Would Turn to a Mighty Stranger: I Should Not Seem a Part of It.”

What does she mean when she says the part “…the universe would turn into a mighty stranger..” ???

Best Answer – Chosen by Asker

If he were gone, she wouldn’t be able to find her place in the world anymore, because he is her home and her heart. It’s like when something really bad happens, someone you love dies, and you expect the sun to stop shining and the world to stop turning, but life goes on for other people. For Cathy, her world would stop if he died. The sun shining would seem wrong and foreign. Life would become a stranger to her because her reason for living was gone.