the only poisons that can kill love. and they originate in the “killer”, not the victim. you know that moment? something literally drops, like and elevator, inside you, when you feel that doubt. if you want the love to live (and you do, dumbass!) you need to cure the doubt with thoughts of love and perfection.

but when you hit disdain, the love is dead.  it’s instant. the sad part, it’s not the person whom you disdain who causes the disdain: it’s you, only you, and your stupid ego.  the love of the self supersedes the love of others – this is what makes you a human, but prevents you from being an “über human.”

the one is natural: the prime directive in all animals is kill or be kill, and the second is like unto it: procreate your species. so, killing and fucking are the low bar, and, pretty much pervasive throughout the world.

the next step – and there is only one – is up: love your neighbor as yourself. this contains all the permutations you have heard – we are all one; we are all connected, etc.  but I want to go deeper: not connected – we are the same person. think about it: the bad feeling that comes from despising someone, is a bad feeling about yourself!  double bad.

there is no natural cure – you must address the spirit, to clean it out.  you must consciously look at that person, and concentrate – like they teach you in Yoga – and dredge up the buried feeling of love – right at that moment!  because the poison of disdain works rapidly, and the love will die in you, like a dead fetus, and rot.

worn out from cyclical castigation, this old metaphor needs a fresh look. it’s so simple, that we get bored. and when we get bored, we masturbate.

first, try to recall some actual moment in your life where you felt love. you will have to possibly dive down into the muck of bullshit that you yourself have heaped on top of that word, love, so that you can find the feeling, love. no definitions allowed.

it was that overwhelming feeling. heart raced. head swam. some kind of confusion tried to take hold of your brilliant rational mind (and you may have tried to resist it). there you were, you and your lover, and for however long it lasted, you felt safe, whole, but at the same time, there was something like fear in there.  let’s call it awe. do you have this now?  this is love.

and so, if God were ever to reveal himself to you, what would that look like, feel like? you got it. that feeling of love IS God.  that’s it. real simple.

think of how different love is than any other thing you call emotion. most emotions you can control, engender, quell.  but doesn’t love always seem like a surprise? like it came out of nowhere? well, we need to pay attention to that.  in general, we need to pay attention to things that are real. we know they are real, because they happen to everyone, and no single person can claim to be the cause.

up there, I referred to God, and I even used the reflexive “himself”.  and I didn’t really deal with it. some of you got stuck there. the reason I didn’t dwell on is it because “God is Love” takes care of all that semantic bullshit that clouds the reality. God is some dumb English word that doesn’t even have any mystical significance to it. Further, describing God as infinite, omnipresent, etc. is stupid – no one can describe something that is infinite.

But love is easy to understand. you don’t have to describe it.  you just have to submit to its power. be in it. then all the male/female, Christ/Krsna, self-loving Aquinas defining bullshit is just that – bullshit.

Love is born in you, and you feel its birth. and when you deny it, it feels like an abortion (good. thanks. I’m a man, so I don’t know what an abortion feels like). but I do know that denying love feels like killing something. controlling anger, on the other hand, feels nothing like that: it’s just a psycho-chemical process. but when you separate from someone you love (and they love you) it has all the feelings of death, destruction, and turning away from God. my point, exactly.

and in the end, you can not do it. you can not really get rid of the love, like you can with the fetus (“what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”). it remains a hole in your heart for the rest of your existence. my point exactly. you can not leave God, silly mortal! you can paint the walls with your verbal bullshit, and wear atheist hats and shoes, but you are a nothing without the universe (i.e. “fish bowl”) you live in (“without love, I am nothing“).

but this is not a treatise: it is a warning. if you kill love in yourself, for whatever fucked-up reasons you and your peers and Thomas Aquinas come up with, or reasons from Oprah and Phil – you will feel bad.  Right? It feels bad.  Really bad.  And if you continue to kill love, when it is given you, you will become sicker and sicker.

So, don’t kill love.  Really. Accept it as God. It is difficult, demanding, it breaks your stride, prevents you from self-actualization (the Western Maslov brand). But so what?  Man up.  This is what life is about. It’s simple, but not easy.

I must swallow the pain, for it is not pain. It is love.

And love is painful, at the teeth, not on the tongue, but again, in the throat. etcetera.

the point is, I will not get over it, or ignore it. I will embrace it.

celebrate it with rituals of obsession.

damn you all. I won’t be fixed. I don’t want your mental health, your solutions.

my path has always been to cleave into the obsession, because it must mean something, that it comes so strong.

lust is an outcropping of love, a new growth, tendril, limb,

claw, tooth, arm, leg, leg, arm. and then, it is you, my love. emerged out of me.

and I am glad to be with you, in this, our small world. we never left, although you set up props, tables, and chairs, in a house,

to make believe, to rest from the tumult of our inner room. full of rest, and yet eternally restless.

now, you have no rest; only sleep, lethargy, languor.

meanwhile.

I light the candle. rosin my bow. I will make a pure flame of diamond

Diamond is the purest form of carbon. It is combustible, but requires great heat to burn it.

and I will call to God and to Allah, whom I have known these long years, and the devotion I show to you –

it is not “crazy” – love is never crazy.

you are all crazy.  I am in love.

this devotion is what the universe seeks, what the gods notice, amidst the ant-like movements on your carbon-based ball.

and with all my might and will, I will swallow it whole, and become bigger.