You told me goodbye How was I to know You didn’t mean goodbye You meant please don’t let me go?

I was having a high time Living the good life, well I know

The wheels are muddy Got a ton of hay Now listen here, baby ‘Cause I mean what I say

I’m having a hard time Living the good life, well I know

I was losing time, I had nothing to do No one to fight I came to you Wheels broke down, the leader won’t draw The line is busted, the last one I saw

Tomorrow come trouble Tomorrow come pain Now don’t think too hard, baby ‘Cause you know what I’m saying

I could show you a high time Living the good life, don’t be that way

Nothing’s for certain It could always go wrong Come in when it’s raining Go on out when it’s gone

We could have us a high time Living the good life, well I know

via GRATEFUL DEAD – HIGH TIME LYRICS.

via GRATEFUL DEAD – HIGH TIME LYRICS.

I drew the Seven of Coins today.  It was really disturbing.  Almost called you to tell you…

..that our love was false. this card is always called “failure”.  the coins are lead. fake. no wealth. no investment.

Failure is the name of the card and program for its downfall, and so the Seven of Disks talk of hopes deceived and crushed, of unfilled promises, loss of fortune, dealings that first sounded good but later revealed as short-living or cheating, false successes with no lasting benefit, that in the end had cost much more than they had gained.

but it was juxtaposed next to Three of cups. that is what threw me. The Three of Cups is the one true love.  the rare love. the love that passes all understanding. the One. this card can’t lie, can it? it always means “this is the one”. but here, like the deer who was stuck in the winter ice, only to be found finally released in the spring thaw, long dead, bloated, frozen and thawed.

I guess the first card had already pierced my heart: Ace of Swords.  Clarity. Realization. That it was always there, always germinal in this daily charade, the kernel of truth, constantly covered with the illusionist’s palm.

can’t breathe
in an empty room
stillborn
in an empty womb
scale the walls
harnessed by all
that is false in God.
He left us to die here, alone.*
just couldn’t bear to tell us himself.
when you have the universe, you don’t need a pet.

————————————–

* Pilgrim at Tinker Creek (Anne Dillard) “Pascal uses a nice term to describe the notion of the creator’s, once having called forth the universe, turning his back to it: Deus Absconditus.” (page 9).

so, there you are. you’ve spent some time with a person, and, at a certain point in time, you both become aware that you love one another. happens.

“I love you very much”
“yep. same”

now what? what do you do next? should you do anything?

“well, it FEELS like we should do something” *

even though that “feels like it” idea has had fleck thrown all over it for the last couple of billion years, I think we should find it again. I think it’s intuition, which is NOT an adopted societally conditioned response, although I give you, that the answer,

“let’s get married..”

…probably is.

“just keep on loving each other, I guess…”

wrong. you can’t make that promise. neither of you owns the love that’s between you, nor did either of you make it. you could call it a gift if you were Shel Silverstein, or Leonard Nimoy. it’s like

“I promise you, that I will keep this kite in the sky forever.”

– because the wind is not yours to control***

it’s like a cold that one of you gives to the other; you both have the same cold, spawned from the same virus, and one gave and the other accepted, gratefully. **** but, someday you will either die from the virus, you both will get over it, or one will get over it first, and, like in the animal kingdom, hide it (in this case, the lack of sickness, which is like a sickness, in love) from the other. so, all that generates three new answers:

a) “I promise to love you, till death do us part.” – which is clearly bogus, because it’s so mortal, so limited. like,

“…and then, baby, when I’m dead, I’s gonna find me a NEW one!”

b) “Let’s promise to not be bitter if love leaves us both”

I do like this one, but I’ve tried it several times, and it doesn’t seem to work. I don’t think it ever happens simultaneously, and also, it seems like one of you always feels bitter.

c) “I promise to tell you, if I stop loving you” (well, you could phrase it like, “…when love leaves me behind”)

This is one I’d settle on. Actually, it’s the one I said in the dream, just a minute ago, to the woman who doesn’t exist. It’s what inspired me to write this thing. But then, I woke up. Of course, you break all the promises. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make them. At least one. And try to keep it. a covenant helps. Like Nicorette. So, my clear waking mind tells me:

1) Love is a feeling; it’s real.
2) You know its real, because you didn’t create it (if you did, it’s called a self-serving lie)
3)…because you don’t control it; can’t; don’t want to.
4) there is a next; maybe not a God, but definitely, a next —————————

da footnotes—————————————–

*[and by the way, we’ve already done the “fucking” part, for those of you Weisenheimers just quivering to give YOUR answer.]

**[…to the question. remember? it’s all about the question “What next?”…. my butterfly-driven thought patterns, I fear, allow you to forget the point..me too]

***[ not because you couldn’t control it, given enough time – at least, guide it – I don’t believe you want to control it (and maybe – let’s do go there – it doesn’t want to be controlled)]

****[Mrs. Schmidt told me that colds were gifts from the Holy Spirit – they make you stronger, build up your immunity, clean you out – or, kill you]